Tag Archives: Personal growth

Christmas

Posted on by Sherri
6

A Christmas post? From me? I know, right? I’ll be the first to admit I’ve been a bit bah humbug in years past. The season starting when the kids go back to school and ending at Christmas is usually the hardest, leanest, most stressful time of the year. Fall used to be my favorite until I had kids, when the money got tight and responsibility got heavy.

This year seems to be lighter, I think because I hit the reset button last Christmas. I came to terms with my issues surrounding giving and, especially, receiving. Refusing to participate was a way of staying in the everyday where it’s safe, staying in control. As counter-intuitive as it sounds, I realized that it was really selfish of me not to receive. To defy the season and deny someone else the soul’s pleasure of giving is selfish.

So like I said, I’m better this year. I’m ready to participate and stop being such a grouch this time of year. And in honor of my new attitude I’m even writing a holiday post! I still can’t believe it!

I wish you and yours a happy Christmas, however you muddle through.

Bang bang (because it’s bullets, get it?)

Posted on by Sherri
4
  • So that self-centeredness I was talking about yesterday, I don’t think it was a bad thing. It’s no secret that starting in your mid to late 30s you start reevaluating your life. There are definite periods when one must go inward, challenge your beliefs. I think that’s what I’ve been doing. It’s probably been a bit of a challenge for the people around me, adjusting to me addressing my needs where before there was no reason for them to even think I had needs. I hope they love me enough to see that I needed to do it, and I hope that it has made me better able to see their needs as well.
  • I’m reading this book called A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. It’s sort of a cross-religion book that talks about the difference between the ego and the spirit. Very enlightening, and I may talk about it more in depth in the future.
  • Out of my holiday to do list, I did finish a few things. One item I checked off was finishing Demon Squad: Armageddon Bound by Tim Marquitz. I’m not a reviewer, so I’ll just give it a thumbs-up. It’s a small publisher, and a new one, at that, so there are a few glitches in the formatting of the text in places, but if you like non-stop action and an engaging hero (despite his demon blood ;) pick it up. It’s only, like, $5. And he’s a nice guy, too.
  • I’m still in my pajamas and I poured coffee in my cereal this morning, instead of milk. I really need to get back into my routine. Kids go back to school tomorrow, hubs went back to work today.
  • My son has informed me he wants to be home schooled so he can spend more time with me. Awww.
  • I’m bored now and I’m sure you are too, so good-bye!

Nothing to see here

Posted on by Sherri
6

Just start typing…

Well I guess I’m not alone in my belief that 2010 will be a year of positive change. And no, I don’t believe that the changing of the Western calendar means an automatic fresh start. The change I feel coming is personal, and I believe the seedling sprouted, unnoticed, about three months ago. Some flaws were brought to light that I didn’t realize were holding me back, such as the fear of showing my imperfections to you, and a heretofore unrecognized self-centeredness.

That second one is sort of a surprise, because my life has revolved around doing what others want of me. It’s not conceit, but rather like a hard shell I’ve developed as a way to cope with feeling put upon all the time. It’s made of some impervious substance which keeps close the little I have to call my own: things, attitudes, friends. I’m greedy and grasping and I don’t like it. Things can’t escape, but neither can they come in. I can’t share what I have for fear of losing it, and I can’t receive from others because I’m so balled up inside my shell. Though it’s still pretty new, this realization, I hope to work on it throughout the year. I feel it has the potential to change my life. I want to be a giver, and right now I’m not.

In some ways I feel like I need somebody to guide me in this, tell me when I should be emoting with people and when I should be silent. One reason I dislike being demonstrative is that I often seem to get these mixed up, and so I find it safer just not to say anything at all. And somehow it has become the most unforgivable sin, to cause discomfort in others with my inappropriateness.

The fear of showing my imperfections, is something I’ve known about for a while, and is probably related to the self-centeredness in some way. My “Thoughts From the Treadmill” posts, as well as posting some less-than-perfect photos, were an exercise in releasing the fear. I’ve also been editing these posts less, and it drives me crazy that it shows. But I think our imperfections make us accessible (up to a point) and by never going out of the house without makeup, for instance, I might be putting out a better-than-you vibe, turning some people off. I have to allow others to see my vulnerabilities, as I wish fervently to see theirs.

What do you think?

A ramble, turned philosophical

Posted on by Sherri
7

I feel like blogging, but I don’t have any epiphanies to share. Is that okay? Can I just ramble? (Right now you’re asking the computer screen, “How is that any different from any other day?”)

I’ve been writing regularly this week, now that I’m done with the hard part of the novel I was editing. Funny how I go entire weeks ignoring that urge to write, and then when I actually don’t have the time, I can’t stand it! I must scratch this itch!

This time around, it seems easier to get a thousand words than it used to be. I may actually be able to make my goal of getting this draft done by Christmas. I cain’t hardly believe it. (Yes, I’m thinking in my hick accent today.) I love where this book is taking me. I look over the past year and can’t believe all the ups and downs I’ve had with my writing–some physical, some mental. Okay, most mental.

But really, I’ve said this every year, haven’t I? Two-thousand–blank was a truly crappy year, I say, and next year will be great. Honestly, I’ve had some major setbacks this year, but I think things are getting easier. I’ve never looked forward to Christmas as an adult, but here I am, buying gifts on credit and not worrying about it at all.  Tired of whining, tired of tripping over hurdles.

It’s so easy to think of my circumstances at any given moment as a static state of being, and that’s simply not true. I’ve been sorting out the jumble of thoughts and beliefs and desires in my head, figuring out which ones belong there and which came from someone else. I feel like this is something I’ve said many times since starting this blog, have I? Well, it’s a long process. It’s not one a-ha moment, it’s a series of them.

My brother and I think of life’s lessons as a spiral. You start on the outer edge, and travel around toward the center. Now imagine a straight line crossing, connecting the beginning point with the inner, end point. At each intersection, there’s a bump. That bump is an a-ha moment. If you are visualizing what I tried to explain, you’ll understand there are many bumps on this spiral, and on each course it takes less time to reach the next a-ha moment. Say, a year on the outer edge, and toward the center only weeks, or even days. You repeat the same realizations, sooner each time, until you get it.

At least, I’ve noticed that pattern in my own life. How does that fit with how you see your growth?