Got a case of the nerves today, don’t know why. Been trying to live more in the moment, think less of the past and worry even less about the future. I’ve come to realize that spending my time clenching in preparation for the next conflict doesn’t really help prepare for it, and meanwhile I’m living the conflict in my mind. Of course, that’s something I’ve realized before, but I’m at that place on the spiral again. Seems like I’m not learning any new lessons lately, only re-realizing old ones. That’s good, because I’d like to get the old ones finished before being confronted with new crap.
I’ve been living in my head, writing a lot, reading a trippy self-help book, and editing for a friend. During the day I prefer complete silence. In the evening and on weekends the constant blaring of the tv, the grumpiness of the hubs, the joyful (and loud) sounds of children playing…all those things send me to my bedroom, where I have a little comfy space set up for writing. I don’t always write when I’m there, but I never write if I’m anywhere else, so it doesn’t hurt to be there. I’m available for anyone who needs me, yet I can hear my own thoughts.
When I get like this I don’t blog much, and man have I seen it in my hits. Tanked. But I’m living in the moment, and that means accepting whatever is happening. At this moment, the humidifier is almost empty. I say that as an observation, not in anticipation of refilling it. It IS almost empty. If I anticipate filling it, then the near-emptiness takes on a slightly negative connotation, but if I just observe it… My husband has been grumpy the past few days. Is he grumping at me now? No. Yet I constantly cycle his previous grumpiness through my mind, with the effect of making me feel the same emotions as if he were.
At this moment, I am an unpublished writer. I think about the day when I will get that call, which is immediately followed by the thought that I will never get the call. But here’s the thing, I know quietly in my soul that I will be published someday, that I needn’t worry, that it will all happen at the right time and in the right way. I know this. But when thought comes into it, suddenly those thoughts are the reality, the elation and despair, and all the stress that comes with those emotions. And it’s all unnecessary.
So right now I accept this moment where my humidifier is almost empty and my husband is not grumping at me and I am an unpublished writer. I accept this moment as neither good nor bad, only that it IS.