Shout out to my buddy Marta, who is selling her art to fund her involvement in Art City Austin, and she’s decided to let you decide how much to pay for it. Marta’s art is thoughtfully whimsical. And I don’t know how to talk about art even though I like it, so why don’t you just go check it out?
I need to put my condolences out there for everyone affected by the Haiti earthquake. I watched some of the footage on Fox News Channel yesterday, as if I could help by witnessing, and of course all it did was put me in a terrible mood. I’ve decided not to watch another minute of footage, but instead keep up with it through the printed word, and only a little at that. Also, I won’t link to any news stories because those are easy enough to find.
For some reason I felt a strong pull to help with this disaster despite my family obligations and lack of relief aid experience. Wisely, I decided to stay home and let the professionals take care of it. I heard on tv and then verified on the Red Cross website that you can text HAITI to 90999 and that charges a $10 donation right to your phone bill. Smart of them to make it so easy. You can also donate through The Clinton Foundation, and some other legitimate sites are listed in this Lifehacker post on how not to get scammed donating. Donate if you can, and if you can’t donate then pray.
Got a case of the nerves today, don’t know why. Been trying to live more in the moment, think less of the past and worry even less about the future. I’ve come to realize that spending my time clenching in preparation for the next conflict doesn’t really help prepare for it, and meanwhile I’m living the conflict in my mind. Of course, that’s something I’ve realized before, but I’m at that place on the spiral again. Seems like I’m not learning any new lessons lately, only re-realizing old ones. That’s good, because I’d like to get the old ones finished before being confronted with new crap.
I’ve been living in my head, writing a lot, reading a trippy self-help book, and editing for a friend. During the day I prefer complete silence. In the evening and on weekends the constant blaring of the tv, the grumpiness of the hubs, the joyful (and loud) sounds of children playing…all those things send me to my bedroom, where I have a little comfy space set up for writing. I don’t always write when I’m there, but I never write if I’m anywhere else, so it doesn’t hurt to be there. I’m available for anyone who needs me, yet I can hear my own thoughts.
When I get like this I don’t blog much, and man have I seen it in my hits. Tanked. But I’m living in the moment, and that means accepting whatever is happening. At this moment, the humidifier is almost empty. I say that as an observation, not in anticipation of refilling it. It IS almost empty. If I anticipate filling it, then the near-emptiness takes on a slightly negative connotation, but if I just observe it… My husband has been grumpy the past few days. Is he grumping at me now? No. Yet I constantly cycle his previous grumpiness through my mind, with the effect of making me feel the same emotions as if he were.
At this moment, I am an unpublished writer. I think about the day when I will get that call, which is immediately followed by the thought that I will never get the call. But here’s the thing, I know quietly in my soul that I will be published someday, that I needn’t worry, that it will all happen at the right time and in the right way. I know this. But when thought comes into it, suddenly those thoughts are the reality, the elation and despair, and all the stress that comes with those emotions. And it’s all unnecessary.
So right now I accept this moment where my humidifier is almost empty and my husband is not grumping at me and I am an unpublished writer. I accept this moment as neither good nor bad, only that it IS.
On Facebook, they have these memes circulating, where you ask your friends to describe you in one word, or tell a memory they have about you. I usually avoid the memes because they feel faintly narcissistic (can’t believe I spelled that right on the first try)–not when others do them, but for me, yeah. I’m always harder on myself than I am on others. Anyway, last night I did one that seemed fairly harmless: How did we meet? I am saddened by how little I remember, and amazed by how much others do. It was a fun exercise.
I realized that I have three main time periods in my circle of everyday buddies, and those are high school, college and blog, i.e. the past 3-4 years. There’s a biiiiig, empty space between college and blog. It’s not that I was completely isolated, I worked during most of that time, but the demands of family life kept me from creating a lasting bond, I suppose. It’s hard to make friends when you can’t just hang out and have fun.
That’s why I hate it when people dismiss online relationships out of hand, or even ridicule them as pathetic. When online communication started years ago, it was generally accepted that relationships online were pretty much meaningless. After all, you’re not really talking and interacting with a human, just words on a screen. I’ve found, though–and I think a lot of other people have, too–that the interactions we have with each other online can be just as meaningful as real life friendships. Is it healthy for online connections to replace real-life ones? Probably not. But can they be a supplement, enriching your life in countless ways? Indubitably. (That word took three tries.) No matter how cynics enjoy reducing solely-Internet friendships to their electrons, there is a human being sending his or her intentions to you. The method in which you receive those intentions doesn’t matter much.
Granted, it’s harder to know what those intentions are without body language and inflection, but it’s like having a hundred pen pals. And for someone like me, with limited opportunities to interact face-to-face with people who share my interests, this has worked pretty well. Don’t you agree?
I’m thinking about starting a new blog. No, not in place of this one…in addition to it. You probably want to know what it’s about, seeing as how I’ve run out of things to say on this one. I mean, my hits have tanked, people. My blog used to be a hub of interesting discussion and information. A hub, I tells ya!
I don’t want to tell you, but I’ve already started, so… I want to start a spiritual writing advice blog. I see so much concrete advice for the nuts and bolts of writing, but hardly any for the writer like me who stumbles around in the dark. I believe in writing from one’s spirit, because that seems to be the only way I can do it. I can’t force things, because then I get all stopped up, in writing and in spirit, and I think a lot of other people are that way and don’t know it. Strange how there’s so much noise in such a solitary activity.
So the first question is, do I have the qualifications to write an advice blog? Probably not. But I’ll show you what I have.
So see, the list is long, but none of the items is that impressive. It’s not like I’m an industry professional, or a spiritual advisor, or anything solid. So why do I need to start another blog? Why can’t I just write posts like that here? Well, because this blog is me, online. It’s centered around me and what I think and what I do, and while you’re all a necessary part of my happiness, it’s still like you’re coming to my house, you know? I’d like the new blog to be about the reader, and it can’t be on this blog which is named after me. I thought about calling it The Writing Guru, but that’s already a popular phrase in Google. Two other choices are Your Writer’s Soul and Spirit of the Pen, both of which are not being used. Or maybe You Are the Muse.
Topics? Well, I’d have writing book reviews, guest columns, reader questions, maybe a week-long feature where I delve into the writing psyche of a willing victim participant, and my own journey.
It’s probably stupid. It’s probably been done before, and I probably don’t have the follow-through. But that’s what I’m thinking about this morning.
Just start typing…
Well I guess I’m not alone in my belief that 2010 will be a year of positive change. And no, I don’t believe that the changing of the Western calendar means an automatic fresh start. The change I feel coming is personal, and I believe the seedling sprouted, unnoticed, about three months ago. Some flaws were brought to light that I didn’t realize were holding me back, such as the fear of showing my imperfections to you, and a heretofore unrecognized self-centeredness.
That second one is sort of a surprise, because my life has revolved around doing what others want of me. It’s not conceit, but rather like a hard shell I’ve developed as a way to cope with feeling put upon all the time. It’s made of some impervious substance which keeps close the little I have to call my own: things, attitudes, friends. I’m greedy and grasping and I don’t like it. Things can’t escape, but neither can they come in. I can’t share what I have for fear of losing it, and I can’t receive from others because I’m so balled up inside my shell. Though it’s still pretty new, this realization, I hope to work on it throughout the year. I feel it has the potential to change my life. I want to be a giver, and right now I’m not.
In some ways I feel like I need somebody to guide me in this, tell me when I should be emoting with people and when I should be silent. One reason I dislike being demonstrative is that I often seem to get these mixed up, and so I find it safer just not to say anything at all. And somehow it has become the most unforgivable sin, to cause discomfort in others with my inappropriateness.
The fear of showing my imperfections, is something I’ve known about for a while, and is probably related to the self-centeredness in some way. My “Thoughts From the Treadmill” posts, as well as posting some less-than-perfect photos, were an exercise in releasing the fear. I’ve also been editing these posts less, and it drives me crazy that it shows. But I think our imperfections make us accessible (up to a point) and by never going out of the house without makeup, for instance, I might be putting out a better-than-you vibe, turning some people off. I have to allow others to see my vulnerabilities, as I wish fervently to see theirs.
What do you think?
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