I had a bit of a hard time yesterday, the first time in a long time I’d allowed myself to dwell on a painful subject. I felt silly after posting, thought about taking it down, as it seemed whiny. I decided to leave it, because it was an exercise in feeling.
Strong emotion scares me, so I work hard to control any spontaneous outbursts. Too many times I’ve blurted something and wished I could take it back, as most people probably have, but I’m only now figuring out that one mistake doesn’t condemn me to a friendless pit. Folks are mostly as forgiving of me as I am of them. Now I just have to get out of the habit of squashing my emotions.
Anger especially scares me. Any kind of aggression, really. I don’t know how to respond to it in others, don’t feel I have to right to express my own. I envy those of you who feel comfortable expressing yourselves that way, though you make me nervous. I’d love to become comfortable with my aggressive drive. It is every bit as part of us as human beings as the nobler emotions, and it must be integrated into the whole. Up to now, I’ve just ignored it, but the universe spent the whole year so far making it very clear I need to gain skill in this area by thrusting upon me opportunities to practice handling other people’s aggression. I’m not sure I’ve done a very good job.
I’m absolutely terrified to try this one out. Expressing anger to someone is like being naked. No, it’s more like being naked and spread-eagle with a spotlight on my privates. With people pointing and laughing. I have to do it, though, I have to explore this side. I have no idea where to do this. I have no idea how to start, or whom to practice on, or where to find those people. How to get past the fear of alienation. The guilt of causing anger in others, which will undoubtedly happen.
Sherri doesn’t want to blossom. Blossoming hurts. How do the flowers do it?
Filed under: Personal growth | Tagged: aggression, anger, emotion, universe
I wish I had something comforting, helpful, or at least funny to say, but I got nothin’. I grew up in a family where screaming, throwing things, knife-wielding and fisticuffs were all acceptable and normal forms of expression of anger. I have no reference to draw from in reality, in normalcy, and so I flounder along wondering where the lines are. I know them mostly by instinct, but occasionally I miss the mark. I always suffer for it when I do.
Encouraging, ne?
I don’t feel the sun comin’ out today
It’s staying in, it’s gonna find another way.
As I sit here in this misery,
I don’t think I’ll ever, no lord, see the sun from here.
And ohhh as I fade away,
They’ll all look at me and say, and they’ll look at me and say,
“Hey look at him and the way he is these days, but it’s okay, I guess he had to change.”
And when you feel life ain’t worth living
Oh you know, you’ve got to stand up and
Take a look around you look up way to the sky.
And when your deepest thoughts are broken,
Keep on dreaming boy, cause when you stop dreamin’ you gonna die.
I don’t want to die.
And as we all play parts of tomorrow,
some ways we’ll work and other ways we’ll play.
But I know we can’t all stay here forever,
So I want to write my words on the face of today.
And then they’ll paint it
And oh as I fade away,
They’ll all look at me and say, they’ll say,
“Hey look at him and where he is these days.”
When life is hard, you have to change.
Blind Melon - Change. Check it out.
Ian
*PS: I promise not to laugh at your privates.
What if you tried creating an angry character and letting the anger out through him/her? Then create another character who has the ability to stand firm against it and even transform it? That way you can explore the feeling while keeping authorial control when it gets too painful. I know how you feel about strong emotion- I am a peacekeeper myself. But I found my work suffered because even in fiction I backed away from conflict. But fiction also became the place where I could practice, yet control strong emotion. That, to me, is one of the core gifts of writing.
Actually, Sarah, that’s one of my problems with this WIP. My main character is quite comfortable with anger but has trouble expressing love. I’ve never written an angry character before, and it makes me uncomfortable. I might try writing a short story before I go any further with the novel to practice the anger theme. Thanks for the suggestion.
Ah, Dolly. I know that feeling well. Anger always scared me too, and I also tend to avoid it all all costs - mine and others. I know I have a raging temper so I tend to squash that because I don’t like the consequences. As for other people’s aggression, I wish I could say you don’t have to deal with that, it’s their problem, but of course, being the recipient IS something you have to deal with. I think Sarah’s suggestion is a good one, also perhaps writing your thoughts in a letter when you’re angry or dealing with another’s anger will help you deal with it while staying in control. I like Raga’s suggestion to me - buy cheap dishes at a thrift store, get a metal garbage can, put a liner in, and hurl away with the dishes. You get out the aggression, there’s no mess, and it’s pretty cheap because thrift store dishes are cheap.
You know I’m there for you lil sis, and I brought a blanket to cover you.
Love and hugs
Anger often renders me unable to speak. Literally. I open my mouth and nothing comes out. So I know how you feel, but lucky for me, I can make my characters as angry as I want, and that’s okay.
But to your question–blossoms have the blessing and the curse of no choice. And if they can’t blossom, it usually means they are dead.
You, my dear, are not dead.
Blossom more.
Marta, your comment made me cry for some reason.
I know what you mean about not being able to speak. It used to be that I’d cry when angry, which was totally frustrating because then the person I was angry with thought I was a baby. I don’t really do that anymore. Tears flow from frustration now.
Fal, I used to have a raging temper, too, like your husband, almost.
Worked hard to keep it in control, but now I need to bring it out and look at it again. Thank you for your friendship.
I got your back. >hugs<
I didn’t mean to make you cry, but I meant what I said. More hugs.