From the comments I received on Part 1, I see I’m not alone.
I’m all about taking your power back–doing the best with what you’re given, and reaching for what you need to fill the gap. I’m still figuring out how to do that, how to cork that light-sucking black hole.
It is definitely a hole, an almost physical void in your psyche. You may not even realize that other people don’t have that hole. Heck, you might not even know you have it, if it has been there since before you were self-aware.
Subconsciously trying to fill that hole, you grab the nearest thing to hand, because sex and drugs and cutting are physical things with a measurable result, fooling you into thinking the physical things are filling that void. Only problem is, by the time you figure out your self-destructive behavior of choice is only a distraction, the void has been made bigger by the withdrawal of loved ones who don’t know how to help. You might even push them away, with an attitude of “you can’t get me if I get you first.” But once the damage is done, and the distraction is gone, how do you fix it?
The thing is, maybe you’ll never totally fix it inside yourself, but the cycle has to stop somewhere. I’d bet everyone who commented here has just continued a family tradition of bad choices. I know I have. But I’m working with the situation I have created to make sure my kids have the best chance possible.
How do you deal with it?
[Part 3]
Filed under: Family, Fatherless, Life, Personal growth
My Grandmother used to say : “Everyone has a cross to bear.”
No matter what you do, you will never be the “perfect” parent. You will not be able to save them from having a cross to bear either. Life is pain. Childhood is traumatic. You just do the best you can. Nobody gets a perfect life.
There is no way to “fix” yourself because your not “broken.”
It is your cross that weighs on you.
As far as the statistics go, they can manipulate the data to say whatever they want it to. I am sure they have all kinds of studies or charts on all kinds of human shortcomings.
Sure, I wish I had had a good father. I also wish I was royalty. Oh well. As my Grandfather used to say “Want in one hand and….” Nevermind.
no matter when your parents decide to end it - its never easy - my parents first seperated when I was a freshman in college and I took it pretty hard, my father and I are close, I am a daddys girl, but it was hard to see the things he wanted me to beleive about him crack and falter. he had extremely high expectations on my morality and behavior that I know kept me from alot of STOOPID stuff I would have tried. But I took my parents bearkup personally, and wonder if they had been focused on me at all - just a little bit - instead of so absorbed in what it was doing to them what would have come of it. They are filing for divorce currently. And i’m okay with it now. But I wonder if they really really tired sometimes. However it was my mother and my aunt patty who directly kept me from falling into most of those statistics. My mother had me so programed that it took her until I was twenty seven to get the grandbaby she wanted. go figure.
Audrey, when I say “fix it” I don’t mean I’m broken as a human being. But the part that would have benefitted from a father figure IS broken, and it does need to be fixed. Or, if you don’t like my word choice, I’ll say that part needs work. Maybe that is a better way to say it, because we all work on ourselves our entire lives. Also, as far as statistics, you’re right that they can be skewed to fit. I’m the world’s most cynical when it comes to that. But I think the statistics in the article I cited only drive home the point that the observations I make every day are not all in my head.
I know that everyone in this world has challenges to overcome. This one is mine, and apparently a lot of others’, as well. Thanks for sharing.
Up until age 32 I was a selfish lunatic. Then I decided to try and live for others. That has changed my life. I almost derailed my marriage before then.
Whew! This is topic is such a layer cake.
My feeling on it vary from day to day. Some days I think about how it specifically relates to me. Sometimes I think about it from others points of view. It is a real mess when people don`t act right.
Mostly, I feel like my Mom is an insane robotic version of Wonder Woman. At the age of 15 she was able to stand up and take responsibility for her actions but my 21 y/o father could not. Talk about a life that got screwed up. The funny thing is, she had a father. He was at least an average Dad. A bit piggish but those were the days of that sort of thing.
Ah, yes, the days of sex, drugs, and rock n roll!
I’m surprised I’m still alive.
I think I’m more selfish now than I was when I was younger. Hopefully not in a bad way–I make sure to take care of my obligations, but I also make sure that I’m the one creating the list of obligations, instead of being dictated to. I think I did that a lot when I was younger, trying to please everyone else so that I could feel accepted, but the trouble with doing that is, when people run out of things for you to do, your usefullness to them is over and you’re cast aside.
My husband and I have had to work really hard on this marriage. His mother abandoned the family when he was seven, and he was on his own–completely–at age 16. So yeah, we brought a ton of issues to the table, but neither of us is frightened by a little mental help. After we got married, he accused me of being controlling. I had put my foot down on an issue and wouldn’t budge. (Somehow the subject never came up during the year that we dated) Through counseling, he came to see that it wasn’t a control issue for me. I had made a decision about how I wanted my life to go, and now he had a decision to make: accept it, or not. When he realized that it was actually HIM who had control of the situation, he relaxed. He said, “You’re not controlling. But you are very much in control and I envy that.” We worked it out, everyone is happy, blah, blah, blah. I think we lost the right to quit when it gets hard when we had the kids. I’m not quitting unless it gets impossible. I think too many people walk out without trying.
As far as the kids go, I hope we can avoid fucking them up, but is that even possible? I know that I’ll give my kids a good amount of freedom, but I will watch out that they don’t get caught up with drugs and smoking and drinking, which I think will be easier since I know the symptoms. I try not to overprotect, but I will not be the one throwing them under the bus.
Too many people do walk without trying. I was nearly one of them. I was always worried about what the world was giving me, and never worried about what I was giving the world.
Flipping this around cures a lot of the dysfunctional woes I had. Dysfunctionals need to get the focus of their life off of the mirror.
I think I’m gonna die. I just left a comment that was worthy of being a post itself, and I lost my internet connection. I don’t have it in me to type all that again, even though it was brilliantly insightful.
I’ll just say I agree with everything everyone said.
Sheesh.
I hate it when that happens. I now copy comments that are big. I live in deletion fear.
I too am a fatherless child and it’s a hard thing to deal or cope with because you feel not loved or unwanted but I think its just all about self motivation…..being able to understand that you’ll make it with or without them
So true, Jaselyn. Realizing your own strength is incredibly freeing.
I wish you the best.
I’m a 16-year old girl without a father.
I’ve been an academic allrounder my whole life & I’ve never let the fact that I’m dad-LESS put me down.
I believe that as a fatherless girl I should prove that I’m just as good as any other kid with a dad.
Thanks for putting up the article and stats, much appreciated.
*MWAHS*!!!!
Ruby, thanks so much for putting your thoughts down for us here. You have a great attitude. I’m sure it will take you far.
I too am a fatherless thirty something. I believe the stats because they just about all applied to me. It is only by the grace of God that I made it out. My father was an addict and spent almost my entire childhood in and out of prison. My step-father tried but struggled with anger and drugs himself. I grew up, had a child by 22, lost my mother the year prior, got married by 25 ( to an addict), was divorced by 30 with three children to raise. Hurting, I returned to college and am now a teacher. To this day I struggle with my self-worth, the need to feel be perfect, and am very sensitive. I pour a lot into my children, pray constantly, and make every effort for my children to have as healthy of a relationship as possible with their fathers.
My last semester in college, I met an intelligent fellow, also a teacher, who I knew was for me. After being single for almost two years, I allowed him into my life and that of my children. He adores them and they reciprocate the feelings, however, I find it hard to believe that he, because he is accomplished, would chose to love me? I draw a connection all the way back to my fatherless childhood? Nevertheless, I am still so blessed!
Hello!!
This must be faith…ok, here we go.
Im a 33 year old single mother with shared custody of a 10 yr old boy. My parents got divorced when I was about 5 or 6 yrs old. My father moved to another country (Canada to the U.S.A) . My mother raised three daughters, me being the youngest . When I was a kid, we would visit my father about once a year for about two weeks at a time, sometimes taking turns between the three sisters. My father would come visit us for about the same leingth of time.
In between visits, my mother would always try to put us against my dad by telling us how bad of a father he was and how he just didnt care.
Today, me and my father have a very surface type relationship. Most of our phone conversations are about why I dont keep in touch once a week.
For some unexplainable reason, I could not bring myself to do it. I have only recently realized that there was a hidden reason why I didnt call once a week as he persistently asked.
After some deep understanding, I realized that it was because it “hurt” to hear his voice and to know that he was so far away both by distance, and, by soul.
How I craved and needed his presence in my life has played an important and sad role in my life choices and decisions.
All Ive ever wanted was a Daddy…A daddy that would worry about the boys I dated, treat me to my favorite ice cream bar or just simply tuck me in bed and call me his princesse.
As a teenger, I tried to find love by surrounding myself with different men (or shall I say guys..) and so on..
I have been carrying a boubou with me for a very long time. As an adult, men would serve as a bandage to cover up that cut.
After leaving my X husband who was fifteen years older than me, I engaged in several relationships trying to heal my wound. Unfortunately, that wound has still not healed.
As a teenager, I have always envied the relationships my friends had with theire daddy’s. I would secretely cry inside when my girlfriends would complain about theire dad’s not giving them enough allowance. I would think to myself, Ill give you my allowance if your father adopts me….lol
As I sadly witness the hurt and pain my best friend endured when she lost her father, I fear that that day for me, could be just around the corner.
I have so much I want to express to my father before he goes. I cannot continue to carry this hurt without being able to say what I need to say.
I pray that soon enough, I will find myself looking into his eyes wiping eachothers tears.
Please feel free to comment.
Thanks for reading, this may be the begining of my recovery. If you would like to email me
jazz.bb@hotmail.com
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Gee… where do I begin?
I’m 27 years old, happily married, two kids (from very different dads, not my husband’s). My marriage, thankfuly, is the easiest thing I’ve ever done. The article quoted above, also, mentions that fatherless daughters fall into two groups…. the overachievers and the underachievers.
Even while I cut, drank, drugged, dropped out of school, chased men twice my age, chased men near my age, chased unhealthy female friends… I’ve always been an over the top achiever.
I’m gifted in so many ways… Thanks Dad for making me the most beautiful and powerful girl you could by never acknowledging my existance. I’m now on my way to a B.S. in a tough Science field. My children excel in sports and take gifted classes. We couldn’t have done it with out your absence.
The only thing I regret…. was that Dad wasn’t around to protect me from the pedifiles. If this sounds a little bitter… I’m sorry. I am the most happy. upbeat, cheerful, healthy, HEALED person… but the Dad thing… maybe still strikes a nerve.
Thanks for listening. If you can relate let me know.
I’m a man and a father. My father has been a strong part of my life since day one…and I realize that I’m fortunate that this has been the case.
Over the course of the past few years, I’ve come to a greater awareness of how devastating it can be for daughters to grow up without a good father. The key word there is “good”.
In the past 3 years, a good friend has talked a little about how her father ran out on her when she was a baby. While she’s never elaborated on how that made her feel (aside from angry), each time that she’s talked about it, I’ve watched a strong emotional reaction literally ripple right through her…the body language says all kinds of things that the mouth isn’t. It is, at least for me, very upsetting to watch. I feel horrible for her (not sorry for her…and there is a difference), angry with him, and a sense of grief that really sticks with me long after the moment is gone. I cannot possibly imagine leaving my own daughter alone in life to face all pain and difficulty that is an inherent part of existence.