Part 1
I’ve often wondered how I would be, had I grown up with a father. A certain set of problems I had in early adulthood (promiscuity that never cured my desperate loneliness, self-abuse, compulsive risk-taking) used to baffle me, until I started to accumulate a little life experience. I always thought these behaviors could have been caused by not having a strong male role model, but as I observed other girls’ behavior, I could see a distinct line drawn down the middle, those who had strong, life-long father figures on one side, and those of us with either a bad one or none at all on the other side.
So is it better to have a “bad” father, or none at all?
Don’t get me wrong, I have good memories of my step-fathers, but, like my real father, once separated from my mother, they were gone from my life. That’s understandable. I don’t blame anyone for this, it’s just what happened. I’m also not feeling sorry for myself, just coming to an understanding.
I found a 10-page article called “The effects absent fathers have on female development and college attendance,” which I wish I could include in its entirety. It clearly outlines the pattern of my own development. I include the most significant portion here for the benefit of my step-daughter, whom I believe sneaks a peek at this blog from time to time.
College Student Journal, Dec, 2001 by Franklin B. Krohn, Zoe Bogan
Fatherless daughters compared to those with present father figures are in higher risk of teenage pregnancy, college drop out and low self-esteem. In addition fatherless daughters are in higher risk of suicide, homelessness and disorders. According to Getting Men Involved: The Newsletter of the Bay Area Male Involvement Network, (Spring 1997):
* 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes.
* 90% of all homeless runaway children are from fatherless homes
* 85% of all children who exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes.
* 80% of rapists motivated by displaced anger come from fatherless homes.
* 71% of all high school dropouts are from fatherless homes.
* 75% of all adolescents’ patients in chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes.
* 70% of juveniles in state-oriented institutions come from fatherless homes.
* 85% of all youths in prisons grew up in a fatherless home.
* Fatherless children are 20% less likely to attend college.
These disturbing statistics reflect how important a role fathers play in the lives of their children ensuring that they are not negatively influenced. Unfortunately, fatherless daughters occasionally find difficulties combating these alarming statistics because their father support is so scarce. Fathers have especially important roles in supporting the development of a constructive sense of assertiveness and independent in their daughters (Biller, 1993, p. 150). A secure base provided by fathers brings stability to their daughters’ lives ultimately allowing them to be more focused.
Father stability is a major factor in his daughter’s life. A father who is not grounded and rooted is doing his daughter a disservice by bringing chaos into her life. Much of the development, strengths and depth of a woman’s character depends on her father’s stability (Griffin, 1998, p. 25). A grounded father is able to affect his daughter’s decisions by teaching the choices she makes today will affect her tomorrow.
Inconstant father-daughter relations can have a devastating effect on a female’s life by making her more vulnerable to outside influences. Daughters of single parents in comparison to those from intact homes are:
* 53% more likely to marry as teenagers
* 111% more likely to have children as teenagers
* 164% more likely to be a single parent
* 92% more likely to divorce if they marry
Fathers who do not play an active role in their daughters’ development and provide them the security needed, makes their daughters’ growth process difficult. This activity forces the mother to act as both parents, consequently putting a strain on the mother-daughter relationship. Nevertheless secure foundations provided by the father to his daughter can alleviate certain stresses present in single parent households.
I’d be glad to hear your thoughts on this post, whatever view you take.
#1 by Cheryl on November 27th, 2006
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I was left pretty much to my own devices at age 11. My parents split; Dad moved far away and I rarely saw him or spoke to him, and my mother got real busy going out and partying. I think if things had been different, I would have a PhD by now, but I didn’t make the best decisions on filling up my time. At age 20, I dumped my long-time boyfriend and ran off with a much older biker dude. It was fun, for sure, and quite an education, and when we broke up I married the first guy I saw (not the current hubby), and I got a whole other education. I was very naieve, and I truly thought that all people were good at the core. So not true.
I heard once that you never realize how bad your childhood was until you have children of your own, and I agree. I’ve become very angry at my mother because of the things she let me do, either overtly or through neglect. There’s a very clear line in my life where my direction changed, and I’m only just now coming back around to be the person I authentically am.
And oddly enough, I’m now much closer to my Dad than I am to my Mom. I think if girls can survive adolescence and young adulthood, they’ll eventually come back around to a place of strength. It doesn’t have to be a life sentence.
*confession over*
#2 by Sherri on November 27th, 2006
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I’ve been trying to reconnect with my dad, who never made the first move anytime during our separation (almost 30 years now). My reasoning for this attempt was that if I went to him in love and forgiveness he would eventually want to be my father. I wanted to find out about his life, his beliefs, his interests, and I wanted to tell him about mine. He wrote me back a couple of times (he lives in AR with Grandma), but after 3 unanswered letters I just couldn’t do it anymore. It became heartbreakingly apparent that he’s not willing to look honestly at his failings, which would be a necessary step in making amends with me.
I just have this feeling that his acceptance and attention would take me a long way on my journey to wholeness, even at this age.
#3 by S William Shaw on November 27th, 2006
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I was in a parentless home. Parents divorced at 7. Mother working, never saw her. I was forced to be an adult as a child and learn the world myself. As an adult, I then became a child and drank, drugged and wanted to die.
I wouldn’t say having a messed up dad is better than no dad…because each situation is different, but having no dad handicapped me.
#4 by Elaine on November 27th, 2006
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One statistic that I would like to see, but is probably not available, is how many fatherless or bad fathered children there are in the US. I’m glad that you, Sherri, haven’t made the mistakes this fatherless daughter made. There are several statistics in your blog that you seem to have dodged.
#5 by Benticore on November 27th, 2006
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My mother and my father separated when I was 4. I stayed with my father, who wound up being both my mother and my father for a long time, but he so neglected his own interests and hobbies to take care of me and provide for me that, in the end, he got burned out and married a harpy of a woman when I was 13 that left both of us scarred and angry.
I never really had a real relationship with my mothe and am just not getting to know her, but there is this huge gap between us that I’m not sure I know how to fill. Just silence and space. I can imagine what noit having a father could do to a child, but are there any studies about being raised pretty much without a mother?
Neither my mother nor my father came to my wedding last year and I offered to pay for both of their tickets. I found out (a couple of months ago) that my mother was in the throes of her alchohol addiction and my father was in the throes of his depression. I’ve tried my best to forgive them both, but I’m can’t forget it yet.
One thing I did notice is that I tended to, through my formative horny teen years, is that I seemed to collect a lot of Motherly figures in the forms of friends and girlfriends moms. None of them were really like my mother. But then again, my mother was never really like my mother, if you understand… Sigh…
I’m glad you came to place where you can move forward Sherri and I hope you are able to leave your children in a better place than where you were left. In the end, thats pretty much all you can try to do. Everything else is extra.
Benticore
Out
#6 by audreytheredheadedtornado on November 27th, 2006
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As a fatherless daughter I lived hard when I was younger. I went through the “older guy” substitute father phase. Yes, they were all perverts. I even dated a guy who was 43 when I was 17. As it turned out, he even knew my father- they were in the army together. I was still in high school.
I lost my virginity when I was 13. I did not even know his real name. Honestly, it took maybe 4 seconds and I was so stupid I did not even realize what was going on.
At the bus stop, when I was in the 9th grade, I used to drink vodka from a red Dixie cup provided by a high school drop-out that I dated briefly. He ended up going to prison for child molestation.
And these are just a few things I have done.
I have gone through many years of feeling like a cheap whore because of my past. Feeling like I deserved to be mistreated because I was nothing but trash.
Today, I don`t drink or use any illegal drugs. I don`t date. The only males I can stand are gay and I am as lonley as I have ever been. However, I do know I am a worthy person. I also have a “no-sh*t-policy” when it comes to relationships. I am strong and I will suvive. If I had had a good father I might be a winner not just a suvivor though.
I think that my life and my future are better than that of my 3 cousins who had a “father”. They were raised by drug and alcohol abusers. Give me what I had over what my cousins had any `ol day.
In the end, I wish I could have had a good father. But, If I had to choose between a bad one and none, I would choose none. Either way, you are trying to fill a hole. At least without a father the b.s. is kept to a minimum and you don`t grow up watching your mother take a bunch of crap. That right there can wreck a young girls self-esteem and teach them to expect that sort of treatment.
#7 by ThroughTheWire on December 17th, 2006
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I must say that I was moved by your blog… and NO you are not alone. Personally, like many of your readers, I too am ‘fatherless.’ I honestly have beat more than half of those statisitics, I was forunate enough to truly have a suportative mother, however since I have no Dad, I associate love/relationships with pain. In order to prevent being promosicous or ‘look -for dad- through -a-male”, I push away any male who attempts to get close to me. As I grow (currently a college student), I realize that this is unhealthy.So finally I have got the courage to stop this madness, to recognize this pain and to attempt to cure this as much as I can. I heard that in the bible it says that God is a father for the fatherless who would ‘father’ them even more than the others with a father. I believe this is true, but at the same time I know he does not encourage ‘fatherlessness’. This a cycle that should be broken and not continue for as the stats show, it effects many of the social problems that happend today. Right now I am reading; WHATEVER HAPPEND TO DADDY’S GIRL: THE IMPACT OF FATHERLESSNESS ON BLACK WOMEN by: Jonetta Rose Barras. I also recommend BRIDGES by the same author. God Bless you girls (and boys) who maybe reading this blog and my comment in the midst of silent tears caused by the pain.
#8 by Sherri on December 17th, 2006
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I’ve gotten a lot of traffic from this topic. I only hope that those who read and don’t comment are getting some sort of healing here.
As a 36-year-old woman, I went through most of my life trying to be tough. You know, “he left but I don’t need him anyway.” Which led to “I don’t need anybody.”
What finally led to true healing was allowing myself to admit that I did need him. That was it. Just the admission that I missed having a father healed me. I’ll always be sad, but I don’t have to stand alone. This uncharacteristic confession on this fluffy blog showed me that.
Thanks for visiting.
#9 by Jade on February 5th, 2007
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My dad died when I was 11 years old. It was a difficult time, yes, but he wasn’t the ideal dad. He drank a lot, smoked a lot and never seemed willing to stop any of these things for his children. I think he loved me and my sister but not enough. I went through a period of obsessively caring for him when I was 10 and 11 years old, when my sister and mum seemed to have given up. I think that has subsequently contributed to my empty feeling I have carried through to adulthood. I always have this void that needs to be filled. I feel lonely when I don’t have anyone who I feel, needs me to look after them. But on the other hand, I suffer bouts of depression at the injustices in the world. I think it’s helped me be the person I am today but it’s not all due to not having a father. In terms of achievement, I have just been accepted to Cambridge University to study English, so I don’t think it’s affected my academic achievement to a great extent.
#10 by Ashley on February 28th, 2007
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I too was raised without a father. But as I was growing up I didnt realize how if it affected me. I am blessed to say that I have a really supported mothe who never remarried after my father. Not having a father didnt affected my education and I dont have any children, but I cant have a relationship with a man. I reject men all the time because I fear commitment. But I will not let not having a father ruin my future. Yes it is harder for me but Im still fighting to succeed. My father lost out and he has to deal with that. My mom is my rock and I dont know what I would do with out her. I rather have no father at all, than an abusive one. I would have liked having a father around but I didnt. Im not going to use that as a crutch. I have some relationship issues that I need to deal with, but Im glad because my problem could have been worse than that. I give all my support to all the fatherless children out there. Just keep your head up and one day you will find true happiness. =)
#11 by Susan on March 18th, 2007
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Thank you for posting this topic. I had no idea so many women were experiencing the same feelings I was; and it is a comfort to learn that others are courageously facing these issues head on. It is the only way to heal.
My father was physically present in our home, but was emotionally absent. He was there for my brothers but not for me. I don’t ever remember being hugged or told ‘I love you.’ That’s what hurts. My father went to all of my brother’s baseball games as my brother was growing up, but never to my softball games. I felt extremely hurt and abandoned and until now never realized that this is why I have a hard time getting close to men–I feel like they’ll just leave and that they really don’t care.
#12 by Sherri on March 18th, 2007
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Susan, I feel the same way, even after ten years of marriage (my first). If you could see number of hits my measly little blog gets on this post alone, months after the original posting, you’d probably cry. Or maybe you’d rejoice that all these people are on their way to healing. Perhaps because of our experiences, our children will grow up knowing they’re loved, if nothing else.
Good luck to you.
#13 by heidi on March 22nd, 2007
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After a year of searching i gave up the search for my biological father (though i don’t like to call him that). In my entire life he say me once, and everytime i think i’m close to finding him and don’t, its like its happening all over again. My mother was emotionally distant, and to be honest, a little crazy and as a result i have developed an exteme anger towards everyone around me. I have been in a long term relationship for close to six years and have two children, but i am constantly agonizing over the possibility of losing them. when i fight with my boyfriend (can’t stand the thought of commiting to marriage) i act like a small child. Only this week, when i talked about it in our couples counciling, did i realize how much of an impact this has had on me. I’ve never been able to express my hatred, my anger, my feelings of worthlessness, intense sadness, and deep depression. i was planning to kill myself when i was eleven and my mother never noticed. luckily a concerned friend consulted the guidance counselor whom i somehow persuaded not to tell my mother. my step father adopted me when i was 8 but he never fully took on the roll of father, even though he never abused us and provided the financial support that we desperately needed. i know that i have brothers and sisters out there, but its just not worth the agony i feel over HIM. i burned the four pictures i had of him last week and it felt very freeing. i’m never going to locate him and if i do nothing good will come of the situation. my therapist told me that because my mother was not emotionaly available to me when i was having these traumatic feelings i’m stunted and to overcome this i, as a woman of almost 30, have to be a mother to my inner child. it sounds like a lot of psycho-babble to me, but at the same time it rings true. i have to let myself feel what i’ve been putting off for 30 years. its scary, but i’ve been able to come to a forgiveness with my mother and our relationship has grown and we understand each other. hopefully i can do the same thing with my absentee father and put this anger behind me. thank you for bringing up this topic, I never truly realized i wasn’t alone in this.
#14 by Sherri on March 22nd, 2007
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Heidi, thank you for leaving a comment. I think fatherless children always feel alone, no matter how many people they have around them, and for that reason I’m overjoyed that you chose to share your story with us. There is healing to be had, and though it’s different for each child, I think everyone has to start by realizing they CAN heal. And that comes from hearing others’ stories.
I hope that one of the links I provided will lead to your healing, for your sake and for your children’s. And if you come across a good resource, please do send me a link!
Good luck to you,
Sherri
#15 by heidi on March 24th, 2007
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Thanks Sherri. I’ve started my own blog (just on myspace though) to help try and get over this. Let me know if you want the url. Thanks for bringing up the topic, it really helps to hear other people with the same issues. This whole time I thought I was hopelessly alone on this issue.
Pingback: Fatherless daughter, part 2 « Sherri Blossoms
#16 by Rachel on November 13th, 2007
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does this pain ever go away??? i feel so alone all the time…. to make everything better, i am also bipolar, so i can cycle (happy-sad-angry) in less than a second… what can i do to make myself happier?
#17 by Margenta on December 5th, 2007
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It was very refreshing to see that there are alot of women who suffer with the same Problems that I am. my story differs a bit from the ones ive read.I have never known my Father, my mothere told me me that one man was my father Knowingly that he wasnt and we had a blood test done when i was five and of course he wasnt.My mothere tells me that it could be one of three men she has no idea how to find them Im twenty six years old now and i cannot seenm to out grow not having a father a family friend says that he believes he could be my father, But my mother says they never had sex! But he never forgets my birthday and he calls me his daughter.My mother says shes all the family that i need what makes it so bad is that my mother was adopted by an elderly couple when they died I guess the rest of the family did too? My mother has found her biological family but wont deal with them,I have a little brother who is twenty now. I also have as six year old son.Thats all the family i know the bad part is that my mother is very kniving and uses that to minipulate me all my life like if i have a life with anyone else im trading on my family and I believe that it has effected me severly ive done hard drugs and alot of toher things Im ashamed of Im squaring my life up now but its hard i dont know whwere to go cause i dont know where i come from. Just need a little advise to stay strong
#18 by Sherri on December 6th, 2007
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Margenta, thanks for coming by and leaving your story. Maybe someone will read it, and know exactly what to say to help you through. In the meantime, I’d be glad to talk to you about it. Sometimes we just need someone to listen. Email me if you need someone to talk to.
Sincerely,
Sherri
#19 by Kara on December 9th, 2007
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My situation is so different from so many listed on this blog, I have known my Father all of my life. There are 3 of us girls that he has with my Mother, my older sister is 5 years my senior and my little sister is 11 years my junior. My Father, after Fathering myself and my older sister decided that my Mother wasn’t worthy of marriage and married another woman (whom he met at a get together my Mother had at her house) and had another daughter 11 months younger than me.
After his marriage my Mother (because she loved him foolishly and blindly) continued on with an affair with my Father until he and his wife divorced. After his divorce, I guess my Mom was the one because we moved out of state (I guess to start a new life) with him when I was about 9-10 years old. After that failed, for some reason he was not as eager to provide for us as he did for his daughter with the ex. Ohh, I forgot to mention that his wife also had a daughter when they married that he took care of and provided wonderfully for.
The thing is my Dad has always been around, he and my Mother are even married and have been together for the last 18 years. But he has never treated any of her children with him like he loves us. You have no idea how heartbreaking it is to watch you Father be amazing to one of his children, treat her like a total Princess (daughter with ex) and treat the rest of us as if we are peasants in her kingdom. Although we are only 11 months apart, I watched my Father love her all my life. He paid her tuition all through college, paid for her apartment, gave her money (at least $700 a month) to live from for at least 3 years of college, bought cars, elaborate x-mas gifts (diamond rings, while the 3 of us didn’t even receive a card, just the gifts Mom bought and put his name on) and his reason he told my little sister he loves her more is because she doesn’t have a Mom (her Mom was shot ans killed by a boyfriend when I was 11). But what about us, we don’t get another Dad. This has left me with complete feelings of inadequency, unworthiness, and every other effect possible.
I lost my virginity at the age of 13, had three abortions by the time I was 15 and still have a problem picking descent men. I seem to always feel like I am not worthy of the good men and always pick the ones that I must fix up. I have been in physically, emotionally, mentally and psychologically abusing relationships and stayed because I always believed that there must have been something that I was doing wrong in order to be treated that way.
My sister (not my Mom’s) has a Master’s Degree and a good husband that provides and loves her very much. I am now just realizing at the age of 32 that I don’t pick good men because he has never shown me what a good man is. This last year has been really hard, I thought I had forgiven him and before then never realized i needed him I had that “I don’t need him attitude.” But I did and I am so angry at him it is almost hate, and I don’t know how to make it go away becaue till this day the situation is still the same. Now our children can see the difference in which he treats them compared to my sister’s daughter (his daughter with ex). And this only adds salt to injury. I am trying to fix myself, decided to take me & my children to counseling, because I have caused them hurt due to my hurt that I don’t want them carrying around until they are 30. Thanks for listening, needed someone neutral to hear me. I am not glad to see that there are so many others like me, this is a pain that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
#20 by zariah on December 22nd, 2007
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How do I know that the ways I choose to act out are because of my dad, though, and not because I just want some attention or I think it’s fun?? I don’t want to blame it all on him. It’s not like he’s mean to me you know. And, it’s not like I never get to see him. I wish he would put in some effort and invite me over for once, but I’ve accepted that’s not going to happen.
#21 by Sherri on December 22nd, 2007
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Zariah, I think all you can do is be aware of the pitfalls and show yourself the affection you wish your father would show you. You’re worth it, even if you doubt that sometimes. I love you.
#22 by Sherri on December 22nd, 2007
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Kara, I also had the “I don’t need him” attitude. I didn’t realize how it was eating away at me. I deadened that spot, and the dead spot got bigger and bigger. I started to admit that I did need him, and it hurt, but at least I’m alive again. That dead spot hurts again, but it is a small part of me.
I’m glad you’re working through it, and I wish you all the best.
#23 by Ruby on February 29th, 2008
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My parent’s divorced when I was 11 and dad remarried soon after. The woman was very insecure, and jealous of us kids, so we hardly saw him, and then he dissapeared from my life when I was 14. His new wife’s kids lived with him and enjoyed a luxurious existence, while we lived in poverty. He never bothered to get in touch with me. Fifteen years later, I got in touch with him and we meet monthly. I met him today and my heart is aching because he doesn’t know me at all, and yet he thinks he has learnt everything about me in the space of a year! He missed out on so much of my development, and is a very selfish and self-absorbed person. Today I took a massive step and asked him for advice, and while my mum would have known exactly what to say, his advice wasn’t useful at all. He also resented that I wasn’t my usual upbeat, perky, fluffy self – I knew in my heart that I am essentially there to ‘entertain’ him and not go too deep, but I feel pretty worthless. In my heart I hate men, and have massive problems even meeting a man I would want to be in a relationship with. How the hell anyone can justify stepping out of their child’s life for fifteen years is beyond me. I can’t fathom it, or his reasons. I hate hearing about my step mum and step brother and sister, I resent that he dedicated his life and finances to them. There is still a jealous child in me that wants her father, and on the days I see him I feel like an 11 year old. I even had a small tantrum at work at a guy who was trying to control me, which was total projection, and completely out of character. I was suicidal as a teen, because I felt completely unloved. Mum did an amazing job of bringing us up, and loved us lots, but I didn’t know what I’d done to make dad not like me anymore. I still carry a lot of rate, and it’s been good to read that forgiveness is the way forward. I’m trying to forgive, because one day I want to have kids and I want them to know my dad, but our values, morals, interests and experiences are so different it’s like we’re from completely different families. Oh wait – we are
Good luck everyone, I hope you find the peace you’re looking for.
#24 by C.L. on March 15th, 2008
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Being born “out-of-wedlock” destroyed my life. My father never cared about me. He took off when I was 2 or 3; I have zero memories of him. My mother turned into a Jesus freak when I was in elementary school and never stopped talking about what an awful sin she made. I am 34, never been married, and have no idea whatsoever on how to get a man. All of my maternal uncles were drunks; while other kids dated and went to prom, I spent my teen years fighting off drunk uncles that were trying to rape me. I hate my father, I hate my mother, and I hope they both burn in hell for having ruined my life. I can never marrry because I have no father to walk me down the aisle; I will never have kids because I am not going to bring any unwanted children into the world like my mom did; I will never be anything because I’ve never been Daddy’s little girl. And I have my selfish, spoilt immature “parents” to thank for it.
#25 by Sherri Cornelius on March 16th, 2008
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C.L.: You say you won’t bring unwanted children into the world like your mom did. But are you like your mom? What if you want them?
The first thing you have to do to get past those bad experiences you list is to realize they ARE past. What you do with your life right now is up to you. Yes, you are dealing with the aftermath of those experiences. They’ve shaped you into this adult. But what you do from this point is entirely up to you.
It takes time to believe this. It takes caring about yourself. It’s hard. But you can get past this. Start by realizing you’re worth the trouble, if only because you are human. You’re worth it.
#26 by Audra on April 12th, 2008
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I am 18 and have never known my father, but I feel that my mom loves me so much that she makes up for it. I have always been happy with just her. She would do anything for me, and I know it.
Of course, it is hard for me to know what I am missing; I’m sure if I knew my dad, I would love him very much and vice versa (I know a bit about him and the circumstances which led to him not claiming me). Maybe I would have had an easier time learning social skills as I grew up. It has also added stress to my life knowing that I am the only one my mother has to lean on. She has many social issues and perhaps mild depression; I think she feels like a failure sometimes and wonders why she doesn’t have friends. This has always been very hard for me to hear her say, and I wish she had someone in her life who loved her for her, vs. my distant relationship with her that is fueled only by unconditional love.
But besides being a bit unmotivated in school, I don’t fit the stats about ‘fatherless’ children. I am smart, unabused, and happy; and I am no more involved in drugs/alcohol than the average teenager. And I am definitely not about to be a murderer or a rapist, I’m thinking.
In short, I wish I had a father (I love the father character from ‘Juno,’ stereotypical as it may be) but I also do not believe it has affected me in a terribly negative way. I believe a person’s reaction to not having a dad is greatly influenced by the other people they are surrounded by and by their environment (neighborhood, etc). I love my mom so much, even when I can’t find it in me to tell her that.
#27 by Tim on April 14th, 2008
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I’m struck by the revelation that AudreyTheRedHeadedTornado came to in recognizing that she’s somebody of value, and not a thing to be dismissed or discarded. It reminded me of some of the ridiculous things people said about the woman that Elliot Spitzer was involved with, and how she was obviously a “piece of internet trash.” Somewhere along the way, we (as a society) seem to have determined that people who make moral choices we don’t agree with are to be dehumanized in any way possible.
Years ago, my father (a former minister) was talking with me about the scene in the Bible where Jesus confronts the men who are about to stone a woman caught in adultery. He writes something in the dirt, they read it, and then they all walk away. Dad asked me, “What do you think Jesus wrote in the dirt?”
I confessed that I had no idea, but suspected that Dad had done some ridiculously deep research into the matter. Instead, he responded, “I wonder if maybe he wrote the name of the woman’s father, to remind them that this woman was someone’s daughter… someone’s child.”
One of my best friends was assaulted at 3, again as a teenager, and again as an adult. I was fortunate enough to have a front-row seat in watching her heal. It was heart-wrenching and fabulous, all at the same time. For years, she had gone through life being told the lie that says “I’m not worth anything to anyone.” I hate the way such words destroy someone’s spirit.
Sherri, if nothing else, writing this seems to have provided a connecting point with many people. In and of itself, it won’t provide healing, but perhaps it provides that first glimmer of hope that says, “I’m worth something, even if none of the people in my life were smart enough to realize it.” Both the original article and your follow-up comments demonstrate this, and are humbling to read.
As I said the other day, this is powerful stuff. – Tim
#28 by Sherri Cornelius on April 15th, 2008
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Audra, somehow I missed your comment. As Tim said (two comments up), your story will provide a glimmer of hope for others who may not know what you’ve learned.
Thank you for visiting and telling your story, and congratulations on your happy life.
#29 by flower on May 12th, 2008
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so what’s worse on daughters abusive or absent fathers?
#30 by Sherri Cornelius on May 13th, 2008
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Really, Flower, I think it depends on the individuals involved. But I never had an abusive dad, so I’m not basing that thought on personal experience. If you’d like to tell your story here, another reader may give you a better answer.
#31 by gloria on June 23rd, 2008
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thank you all for your comments, i constantly fight with my boyfriend who i have been with for 3 years. i try to catch him doing things with other girls and really do have a problem with trust. i feel like no matter what i do i will end up alone like my mother and with a cheat of a husband that will leave me for another woman as my father did to my mother. when will i ever have peace in my heart?
#32 by Jennifer on June 24th, 2008
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I am a single mother of 3 children. 2 Daughters ages 11 and 7, and son that is 10. I left their abusive father when they were 4,2, and 6 weeks. I am now beginning to have issues with my 11 year old daughter having boys text message her, and her saying to other girls how sexy he is, etc. I worry that since there has been no “father figure” in her life, that this is only going to get worse. She seems to “grab hold” of any man that is in my life, or any boy that seems to show any interest in her. Not to mention a friend that is not a good influence has brought her attention to boys in general (SHE WILL NO LONGER BE SEEING THIS FRIEND). I worry about her future, and am scared that since I am the “bad guy” that she will pull away from me. Her father has not been in her life at all and I have been put with the stresses of raising 3 kids alone. I am sure this has an impact on her. I feel guilty.
#33 by Meaghan on November 11th, 2008
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I am freshman in university. My mother was widowed when I was 13 and my brother was 7. I have beaten alot of these statistics already even though now my mother is non-existent in my life. The only problem with that is that I don’t like to rely on anyone so it’s hard for my to keep relationships with just about anybody. I’ve had drug problems but, I got over it. Currently I have a 3.4 GPA and will be attending law school after I get a B.A. in History. I’ve dealt with my issues, now I help others deal with the different problems they have in their lives. Since, I can relate unlike many others.
&Jennifer your daughter is growing up she would have done this with a father in the picture too. It’s called being a teenager and finding your place in the world. Also if she doesn’t learn from her own mistakes and make her own path, she will pull away. I know this from my own experiences. So unless you want your daughter to wind up going back to rehab again and again instead of in college let her grow up on her terms. Since sometimes parents don’t always let go of their children and mess them up more for not letting them grow up.
#34 by Jenny on December 10th, 2008
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Hi everyone. I have been reading everyone’s blog here and its comforting knowing that I’m not the only one to suffer from an “absent father”. My father was an alcoholic who killed himself when I was 9. I also have two sisters who were 4 and 7 years older than me at the time. I didn’t really understand the hole it left in my Mother and sisters lives until I got older, and I didn’t really feel it affected me at all. Until looking back on my early twenties.
After leaving My mother, who is truly amazing, I left to University where I pushed away and broke up with my boyfriend of three years and started to party like crazy and I became very promiscuous (which was very unlike me). I eventually dropped out of University. Although, I was a straight A student all through elementary and high school, played on all the sports teams, and won several awards every year. I was an over-achiever. I don’t think it really caught up to me until I was older. Currently at 25, I went back to school after a year and I am working on my second degree and have been living with my boyfriend for the last couple years. I find that when I’m alone I’m extremely destructive to myself and its frightening. But when I have a steady man in my life I’m focused and actually achieve all the things I want to do, aside from being independent and functioning on my own. I think its definitely sad that I can’t function on my own, that I need someone in my life to focus me and fill the loneliness my Father has caused, and it infuriates me. But I always stop and think about what my life would be like if My father was alive. He would still probably be drinking all the time and popping in and out of my life causing more destruction than he all ready has. So I’m not sure his passing was such a bad thing. ASIDE from the affect it has had on my sisters.
My middle sister was devastated by his death. She started hanging around with the “bad kids”, became very promiscuous and eventually ended up getting raped by an older man at a house party. After that she started using drugs and was in and out of juvenile detention. She cleaned up for a year and then was back at the same shananigans as an adult. Now she is, for lack of a better word, a crackhead, that is homeless. She also had a son, whom she left with the Father to raise (who is older than her by 30 years). She currently got arrested for something again, and is going to try to go to rehab, again, for the 50th time once she gets out of jail. So when considering the statistics, that were in the very first posting, she is the poster-picture of a Fatherless-Daughter.
Now, furthermore, my oldest sister also got involved with “bad” men continually over the past decade, one after another. All of these men being in some sort of trouble with the law, and all had some sort of substance abuse problem. She also became addicted to crack-cocaine. But cleaned herself up to look after her son, and currently lives with my mother after her husband died from a drug overdose 4 years ago.
Although, deep down I blame My Father for everything that has happened, I can’t help but wonder if it would have still happened had he still been around. My father was heavily abused and molested as a child, which explains his alcohol abuse and his suicide. But I truly believe that people can rise above what has happened with their families and put it past them. Both my sisters allowed “bad” men into their lives. I never did. I always chose and still do choose men that come from amazing families and are very successful. I also only choose to open up to men and even friends that I feel can handle all the shit that has happened to me and can handle the chaos that is my family. I did mess up in the very first year of university. But I recognized it and tried again. I saw what I was becoming and stopped it, and I feel that everyone women that has had a crappy Father shouldn’t let it ruin her life. Our Fathers ruined their lives, why should we let them ruin ours?
I believe life is about taking responsibility for your own actions. Yes, the emotional shit parents can put us through is horrible, and it can mess with us, potentially for the rest of our lives, but I think its possible to get past it. And My family will be forever riddled with loss, addiction, and poverty but those are just the cards we have been dealt, and you have to do the best with what you have or work to improve them yourself. Thanks for listening.
#35 by Concerned on January 3rd, 2009
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Do any of you have any words of wisdom for those of us trying to help fatherless daughters that are not yet adults?
I have a young, just-turned-teenage niece who has not had a father in her life since she was 2. He was abusive and gave up on having supervised visits because of the fact that they had to be supervised. Since then he has made another family for himself and hasn’t given any indication that he wants to be part of her life. She knows he was abusive, and it’s for her good he’s not around, but of course that doesn’t help much.
She has had about all the hard knocks in life one could possibly have – I won’t elaborate on the rest, but it is all so heavy and I know it’s bigger than her. She does not trust men unless they seem young. Once they hit 30, she does not like them, no matter who they are, even though she will laugh at their jokes and seems to bask in any attention she gets.
I am very worried, since now she is starting to notice boys at school, even though she promises me she isn’t going to date them. The statistics are so scary, and I know her heart is just one huge gaping wound. What can I do as an aunt to help? What would any one of you have wanted someone to say/do when you were that age that could have helped?
#36 by Lana on January 10th, 2009
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My mother divorced my father when I was five. and moved back with me to Connecticut to live with her mother. My mother was mentally ill but would not seek help. I was raised by her alone. She was a paranoid schizophrenic. She alienated herself from her family so I do not have any family ties. She hid from my father and I did not see him again until I was 16. By then an incredible amount of damage was done to me. I still have the telegram my father sent me when I turned 16 wishing me a happy birthday. He had tracked me down. I had moved from my mother’s and was free to visit him. Unfortunately he died a few years later. I have always hated my mother for keeping me from my father and his family. I am on my third marriage and still have issues of low self esteem and depression. I just turned 60. I have been in therapy since my early 30’s. Life is a constant struggle for me.
#37 by sophia on March 17th, 2009
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I am nineteen years old. My parents split when i was eleven, i retained contact with him for around two months later. He then moved in with his girlfriend and her two children and cut all contact with myself and my younger brother. Strangely i never really think about it, other than in the financial sense. My mother works full time for a limited amount of money just so she can put food on the table. My father on the other hand is a comfortable millionaire, retired all ready and living the high life, without paying us a single penny. The only sorrow i really feel is for my mother, who along with dealing with an abusive agressive husband, then dealt with his affair, a messy divorce and now working all the time. I have never really had a male role model in my life, other than my father ( who was not much to look up to), but i’m not sure to what extent that has affected me yet. I have only been in one serious relationship so far, ironically my ex boyfriend enhanced my low self esteem, insecurity, loneliness, betrayal and altogether abandonment, by cheating on me with a girl several years younger and then leaving to be with her. However, i hope from these experiences i can learn, and not make the same mistake again.
I know i havebeen affected severely psychologically – anorexia, BDD, depression, but unlike others i feel like i have had chance to recognise these problems earlier on and address them, and so i am hoping that they might not affect me so much in later life, but who knows.
Thankyou for everyone elses blogs, it’s nice to know that there are similar people out there.
xx
#38 by Ebonee on March 18th, 2009
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I have never in my life seen my father. i am 14 years old. then one day he just calls on a random day saying he would like to speak with me and see me. I dont know how to deal with it. My mom says its cool if i call him but it seems like shes hurt by it. all i want to know is why he never loved me. But i dont know how to talk to him. CAN ANYONE GIVE ME HELP?
#39 by Jenn on May 11th, 2009
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I’m fatherless, 32 never married, no children, and the foundation of many of the folks in my family. Including my brother who is still in high school. I am proud to have beaten the odds on most of the stat’s provided in this blog. One thing I have realized that I have commitment issues. Thinking that admitting it would resolve it…
While I had two serious boyfriends in college, I was very sheltered from the world by my mother (who is an amazing mother) the first relationship after many years failed and ended with bad words between us.
I admitted that about 7 years ago and really let myself go to fall in love, for the first time. Wound up being that I was placed on the ‘back burner’ and came in 2nd to last to this ex-boyfriend’s golfing, sporting games, friends, drinking and uncovered drug addiction, which ultimately lead to our break up. Now hear I am over 5 years after that relationship ended and can’t find a what I want in a mate still. I have had several failed relationships since the break 5 years ago.
In regards to my fatherlessness, my father was not rarely in the home as a child growing up. My parents filed for divorce 7 times before they finally divorced when I was 12 years of age. Growing up in the abuse was terrible, that was tough. I can’t name the times I saw my father beat my mother and the cops were present. It was sad for my mother most of all, she tired to tough it out and endured way too much for one person.
While my father is still living and lives less than 2 hours away, I have not had conversations with him since the divorce over 20 years ago, other than two yelling matches over the phone since my brother turned 18. (He denied being on drugs and alcohol but denied a drug test prior to picking up my brother and I). When in fact my father was a drug dealer and alcoholic. He has tried to contact, but I won’t speak as this would open up things that myself and my maternal family could not endure… I look at my revenge as, if he is old and alone he wasn’t there when I needed him, so that is my revenge in lack of better words… I try not to think of it as being bitter, I survived and am a better person for it… My mother was both parents in one… I did go on to graduate high school and went to obtain four degrees in college, including a BS. I have a home and rental property.
My delima is that I want a man in my life so bad, sometimes I cry at night as I have not found the one. I want a husband but no matter how hard I try, where I look or where I go to meet a man that is interested in the same thing I am interested in… it never works out for me. I often wonder what is wrong with me? Could this be an affect from not having a father or is there something wrong with me. I am an attractive business woman but can’t seem to find a healthy relationship where someone is willing to give as much as they receive from me. I wonder, Is there anything I could do to try and resolve the issues I’ve had or could it be I’ve just not yet found ‘the right one’???
#40 by Sherri on May 13th, 2009
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I’m sorry it took me so long to respond…I’ve been thinking about your comment.It may be that you haven’t found “the right one”, because isn’t that what happens to a lot of us women who haven’t had a good male role model? We don’t know what it would be like to have a good relationship with a man, so we choose men who are like our fathers, or if we do fall in with a good one, we don’t recognize it–or maybe it doesn’t satisfy and so we let it go. Not all of us, but it is a recognizable pattern.
I’m always amazed by folks who have a willing father and still want no contact. I understand that it’s scary to start it up, it will almost certainly be painful and awkward at first, but gosh, wouldn’t it be awesome if you had a relationship with your father? If you feel he is toxic, then by all means stay away, but don’t stay away because other people want you to. I’ve lived my whole life the way other people wanted me to, and it doesn’t work in the long run.
If you have the means, find a therapist, but if you don’t, I say reach out to him. Maybe resolving things with your father–one way or another–will help you resolve the issues you have with men.
#41 by Jenn on May 13th, 2009
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Thank you for the comment back, it is appreciated. I don’t choose to stay away from my father because of his willingness to want a relationship with me or my brother. I choose to stay away from he and my paternal family as they cause trouble, not just in my life but my maternal families life. Toxic is a minor word describing the chaos that would begin if I ever even tried to open that door. Opening that door, I am afraid is not an option and would lead to nothing more but hurt and pain as it has in the past. A relationship with him would be toxic and bring forth more pain I truly believe. What little time he was there ‘at home’ he may have well not been there. It was definitely more peaceful when he was absent in the home.
My brother who wanted a loving father more than I gave up on trying to have any communication with our father. He did communicate via phone with him but all he could do is try and tear down the maternal family that I have known and loved and who has been supportive. By brother realized this and he too has written off having a dad or perhaps he has realized that he never really ever had a dad to being with. Sometimes I think it would have been better to have never known him rather than know that father that left us fatherless due to his selfishness and addictions he would give up in order to work on a relationship with us. I know this sounds bad, but when he passes on, I believe that there will be a peace for my family and I.
I have considered a counselor and have talked to company counselor recently. The counselor believes that I’m not crazy and perhaps my not having a father in my life could be part of the result of being unable to find a loving caring man to share my life with. I have expressed that I want someone in my life so badly, I am not in disparity, but wish for someone nearly every waking moment.
Since the trying to resolve things with my father is out of the question, do you have other suggestions?
#42 by LM on May 13th, 2009
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Dear Jenn,
A female counselor (family & marriage) would be extremely helpful in my opinion. I have been in counseling for many years and now just see her when I really need to. Since my father was absent and my mother mentallly ill, I basically had to raise myself and learn what is appropriate on my own. My counselor is very helpful and validating. I also worked through relationship and abandonment issues and am currently married to someone who I am so lucky to have met. I still have issues but we work through them together or I see my therapist if I am troubled. This was a process that took many years but with the right therapist (one who is engaging and offers helpful suggestions) you can work through these issues and feel better about yourself – If you accept and love yourself more (and work on the father issues with or without him) you may not feel the need to have a man in your life to prove you are lovable.
I hope this helps.
#43 by Jenn on May 13th, 2009
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Dar LM,
I will look into the counseling and see what my options are. This is something I have considered and perhaps relationship counseling is something that I could benefit from. I appreciate your kind thoughts and suggestions.
Sincerely,
Jenn
#44 by fay on June 3rd, 2009
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Hi, my father committed suicide when I was 7, my mother uprooted us to a different city and acted like nothing happened.
I was the youngest of 4, my fathers death affected us all greatly.
i looked for father figures everywhere, i was sexually abused and while always a bright child i was always seeking attention.
I am currently in psychotherapy for post traumatic stress disorder and I am 25.
I Have had lots of serious relationships with great guys, one lasted 6 years, but i cant commit, I always cheat, I work in the sex industry, I run away, I’m just non stop all the time. i have a lot of friends and a degree, yet i still dont think i am good enough, that I am failing, which in effect makes me a pseudo perfectionist.
I am currently single, yet i work as a prostitute to fill the financial and physical void that I have lacked without having to commit.
I guess in my minds eye, i am learning to love myself, i dont take drugs or drink alcahol but I have a lot of pain.
This blog has helped.
Thankyou
#45 by Ruth on June 5th, 2009
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My older sister (5years older) told me that her and I had different fathers when I was around the age of nine. My family felt smaller after that talk. My sister and I grew up with our mother who never dated, never once told us that she loved us, and never touched/hugged us. Although, I honestly don’t know much about my mother’s life (she keeps it a secret), she definitely had her hands full as a single mother of two with only a high school education and no support. My sister and I raised ourselves, independent of each other, as we more or less co-existed together. Our family never “talked” about things … My mother has never talked to me about not having a father or tried to explain to me earlier in life as to why our family was “special.” “dad” is taboo. It’s just not something that you say or talk about. This is how my mother gained power.
My sister and I have responded differently to growing up fatherless. She is a very responsible, and logical woman who happens to date younger, immature men. She has been cheated on, but still continues to date the same kind of guy. She is also a single parent and the father is not in the picture. (he is very immature and has a mean, easily set off temper). My sister has given up on her attempts to find out who her father is. We try to be close although we were not given the tools to do so. It’s sad we don’t feel like we can hug each other or say “I love you.”
I, on the other hand, am trying to find a book to send my mother describing to her how my life has been impacted by the lack of love and a father figure, in hopes that she will suddenly understand my perspective and reveal to me who my father is and give me some closure and perhaps have a relationship with me. She is hard to communicate with. I feel like I am out of options and am going to cut her out of my life if she will not share her life with me.
Growing up, I was angry and confused and very much so alone. I was given too much space and no reassurance. I feel guilty and embarrassed all of the time… I don’t feel entitled to things and I can easily be taken advantage of. I was forced to jump into the world on my own and take care of myself. Not only is this difficult for any teenager, but I didn’t care about myself and that lead to many, many bad things. I am 24 have been promiscuous, sexually abused, worked in the sex industry (which took it’s toll on me) I had no one and that hurt. I dropped out of school, and had problems with alcohol. I also push people out of my life. However, I have been in a relationship for 3 years with a man who is about 15 years older than I and apparently the exception. I am having a hard time feeling like I should have a role in his life, because he is everything I never had and I feel like I am a bad person who doesn’t deserve this sort fo life. I can’t imagine my life without him, but I also can’t stand to be around his family because I feel inferior around real families. I’m so uncomfortable because they love each other and want to know me. I feel like I am trash and that they can see that. I don’t want to ruin his life/image because of the choices I made. It doesn’t exactly look good for a younger woman who was in the sex industry (not matter what the reason) to be in a relationship with an older man. I feel like I have to keep my whole history a secret because It shows that I am bad person. He didn’t know about that side of me, I only opened up to him because he took the time to gain my trust and show me that he meant no harm. I hate that I feel shame for so many things I couldn’t control. I feel like my mother must have a similar story to me and is embarrassed to share it. I also think I am my psychologists wet dream due to my cliché life. She is a good listener, but what I really want is for a friend who can actually relate to my experiences. Now I’m just rambling … Anyway, I can’t say that I enjoyed reading about everyone’s hardships, but thank you everyone for opening up and sharing your experiences. It is helpful to not be so alone.
#46 by Sherri on June 8th, 2009
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I just wanted all you ladies to know that I’m reading your comments. I feel like I’ve said all I can about this subject right now, but I want you all to feel free to comment as much as you want and to answer each other.
You are heard.
#47 by Prawda on June 19th, 2009
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Hi and thanks to everyone who has shared their stories. They have made me feel less alone in my problems.
I grew up without a father and basically unsupervised because my mom was working all the time to support my brother and I.
She only got together with a man after we were grown up.
Like many of you, I have been unable to have a relationship with a man because I never had an example of one my whole life.
Im 29 and Ive never had a relationship longer than a few months. Like many of you I seem to go for guys that dont give me the love and attention I deserve and “need to be fixed up” like one of you said.
All my life I imagined myself with a big, loving family and thats still my biggest desire. Because my biological clock is ticking and I dont know if I will meet a man I can love and trust (for the rest of my life) in the next few years, although I hope I do with all my heart, my plan is to just have a child on my own.
Knowing that not having a father has deprived me of the social skills, or whatever you want to call it, that has made me unable to attract a worthy man, is it selfish and unfair of me to want children and expose them to the same issues Im suffering from?
I appreciate your honest opinion
PS Sometimes I was boiling inside from all the mixed feeling of hurt, abandonment and betrayal that I was trying to deny I was feeling. I found peace one day when I realized I was only hurting myself by denying all these feelings within myself. I forgave my father, I said it out loud, and it was like a huge weight off my shoulders.
Up to then I would tell people my father was dead so that I wouldnt have to admit that he left us. But now I know that its not my fault and its nothing to be ashamed of. It still hurts, of course, but there is no point in ruining your own life over someone who doesnt even think about you and has no idea how much he has denied you. I wish all of you Peace.
Prawda
http://www.fleurdelis.com/desiderata.htm
#48 by Sherri Cornelius on January 4th, 2009
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Thanks for commenting, Concerned. Your niece is already ahead of the game, having a supportive aunt to care for her, one who watches for the pitfalls and is willing to help in any way she can. Kudos to you for that.
The only advice I can give, not knowing much about your situation, is that you provide as much support and oversight of your niece as you can. She might be a lonely person as I was, and need more company than other girls. Unconditional love, demonstrated often. If you have a male you trust who can provide that kind of support, then I say get him on board. She may judge herself more harshly than you think, and so making your daily interactions as free of anger as possible may help weave that net of trust. Be a sounding board without judging her feelings.
All of these things are good for any daughter, but especially for a fragile one. Mostly, I guess, I would focus on acceptance.
I wish blessings upon you both.